More “Election” Returns

(Taken from the Pike County News-Herald-Republican-Watchman-Tribune of November 4, 2009)

Pike County, OH– (Ilene Dover, staff writer) In the continuing bizarre events surrounding the vacant At-Large seat for North Jackson Township Trustee, it appears that the winner this time is Foreclosure. Once again the winner was not on the ballot and won as part of an intensive write in campaign. Unlike the 2007 midterm election where a national realtor chain won the At-Large seat, there is no individual, business or organization that can be contacted for comment about the win. At press time three separate estate auction houses have filed claims to the seat at the county courthouse, although none of them are listed in the phone book or tax rolls under the name ‘Foreclosure’ or ‘Closure’.

Interviews with local residents shed more light on yesterday’s election outcome. Mr. James Truthsbury of North Jackson Pike Road stated “his campaign signs were posted all over the place for well over two years now. I seen them pop up at one neighbor’s house only to move down the road a bit to the farm of another. Frankly I got so sick of seein’ them signs all over that I decided to vote for the guy so that he’d stop his never ending campainin’. In behind sight, I guess I fell into his lame election tactics. I mean, I guess I shoulda voted for Whitt, Maloy or Harris because they remove their election signs after every election. But I didn’t want to have to sit in the barbershop and get ribbed about backing a loser, again. So, I wrote him in.”

Ms. Falsy Higginbotham of Mill St. in the village of Alpha claimed “Mr. Closure has the support of everyone around here, right? All them signs were for him, right? Signs saying ‘For Closure’ means they aren’t against him, right? Besides, he’s rich, right? It appears he owns three maybe four auction houses, right?”

A constituent that wished to remain anonymous told us “he was more for the little people than them other ones. I mean most folks who had for Closure signs in their yards been talking down at the Quick Mart how them Wall Street, them government bailout money grabbin’ crooks, them banks and mortgage companies was gonna take everything they had and turn them out into the street. I figure if them folks was for Closure then I should be too. Hey, what paper are you from? I see you are wearing an American Flag lapel pin, your paper must be backing them government Wall Street bailouts, so don’t you dare use my name or I’ll sue.”

When asked for comments, candidates Faith Whitt and Steadman Harris issued a joint statement announcing that they would not be seeking a recount because “the people have spoken.” The third candidate running for the North Jackson Township At-Large trustee seat, Buster Maloy, was somewhere out in the township removing his election signage at press time and could not be reached for comment.

This reporter visited the area, and indeed nearly a sixth of the households had Foreclosure signs in their yards. It should be noted that a Mr. Sale, also a write in candidate, placed second in the election and will serve the term of office if Mr. Closure does not present himself to be sworn in at the Township Board of Trustee’s meeting next Monday evening.

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